Questions.. to be elaborated on.. Some.. to be answered

What am I doing with my life?

Why am I doing something I don't enjoy?

What do I do about my current social situation? Do I feel the same? Is it worth it?

Am I still happy anyways? Why?

So this weekend, was my cousin's, Pam, wedding. It was all the way out in Hanna, Alberta. You know where that is right? By that farm? Between no where and no where? Ya, thought so, closest place it's close to would be Drumheller, but still like 30mins away from it, on the way out to Saskatchewan. It was a small, low budget wedding but it was still a good time. It was great to see the family again. All my aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins. The second cousins were the best to see because the last time I saw them was when they were all babies! Now they're all energetic 4-6 year olds (ALL boys by the way haha) who run around trying to get the pretty girls to dance with them. They're SO cute. The most fun I had was when we were all just hanging out at the campground drinking and talking. It's so much more fun when I can drink with them! I also forgot how much they can drink! It was definitely nice to see where some of my roots came from haha. Half of these people I grew up seeing many times during the year since they lived in Calgary as well; it sucks now that we don't know them quite as well as we used to. Case in point, my cousin Erin who is 6 months older than me. It was like we were best friends when we were younger but now it's like we're strangers-very odd. All in all though it was really nice to see everyone but hopefully it won't take another 5 years or so.

While we were saying our goodbyes, 3 people said it was my turn next to get married, lol. All the other cousins are married since they're at least 5 years older; our family is so weird haha. There actually is another family event next weekend, one of my uncle's 70th birthday, out in Moose Jaw, but my mother was kind enough to let me know just a couple of days ago. I probably wouldn't have been able to take it off anyways though; I would have needed 3 days off and would have ended up with like 5 days off-too much. Really unfortunate too though since after seeing them I feel like I need to see them again; it felt nice to be around a lot of people who I know. I really hope that maybe next summer someone will have a get together so I can roadtrip trip it again! At least I hope we can have some kind of family reunion in the next few-FEW!-years. That would be awesome.

Anyways, it was a really short trip but I'm glad I was able to do it-to see everyone again. It was nice to get hugs from all of them.

Love my crazy Rostie family! :D

Family :D

So this weekend, was my cousin's, Pam, wedding. It was all the way out in Hanna, Alberta. You know where that is right? By that farm? Between no where and no where? Ya, thought so, closest place it's close to would be Drumheller, but still like 30mins away from it, on the way out to Saskatchewan. It was a small, low budget wedding but it was still a good time. It was great to see the family again. All my aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins. The second cousins were the best to see because the last time I saw them was when they were all babies! Now they're all energetic 4-6 year olds (ALL boys by the way haha) who run around trying to get the pretty girls to dance with them. They're SO cute. The most fun I had was when we were all just hanging out at the campground drinking and talking. It's so much more fun when I can drink with them! I also forgot how much they can drink! It was definitely nice to see where some of my roots came from haha. Half of these people I grew up seeing many times during the year since they lived in Calgary as well; it sucks now that we don't know them quite as well as we used to. Case in point, my cousin Erin who is 6 months older than me. It was like we were best friends when we were younger but now it's like we're strangers-very odd. All in all though it was really nice to see everyone but hopefully it won't take another 5 years or so.

While we were saying our goodbyes, 3 people said it was my turn next to get married, lol. All the other cousins are married since they're at least 5 years older; our family is so weird haha.

There actually is another family event next weekend, one of my uncle's 70th birthday, out in Moose Jaw, but my mother was kind enough to let me know just a couple of days ago. I probably wouldn't have been able to take it off anyways though; I would have needed 3 days off and would have ended up with like 5 days off-too much. Really unfortunate too though since after seeing them I feel like I need to see them again; it felt nice to be around a lot of people who I know. I really hope that maybe next summer someone will have a get together so I can roadtrip trip it again! At least I hope we can have some kind of family reunion in the next few-FEW!-years. That would be awesome.

Anyways, it was a really short trip but I'm glad I was able to do it-to see everyone again. It was nice

Excitement.. with a month to go

Still 32 days left to go. Still excited though. I think I just need to spend money and do stuff. I want to have a life again. I can't really do that while I'm working but I do enough on my "weekends". I could still do more, I wish I could. But there's really no one to do stuff with and I'm saving my money to do fun stuff in Edmonton. Which should happen. Having the car for the first week will be really nice too; we'll all go out shopping together and do fun stuff..haha that sounds lame. But it will be so much fun. Especially for the first few weeks!

I need a change so bad. So I'm glad that Gabi is having a few of us out to her cabin/place in Canmore for the weekend. I just need to relax and have a change of pace. Hopefully that will recharge me for the rest of my time in Calgary.

I saw Amber today and we chatted about all that; it's nice to actually have someone to share this to and who understands and can reciprocate it. Not just nod along and pretend. I'll be glad to see everyone again. It'll be such a relief.

I'm so tired in every way.

32 days

I've Got A Feeling..

..unfortunately. It is definitely not one to start rocking out to the Black Eyed Peas for. I had this feeling earlier this summer, probably around June when I was missing everyone and everything like crazy. I really could have avoided this had I done SOMETHING today, but alas, no I did not. I regretfully spent my entire day watching Chuck. So much so that I am kind of tired of it; and that's saying something. Then I go on to facebook and see how people are actually having lives and I start feeling sorry for myself. It definitely doesn't help that a few days ago-on my birthday no less-that my mom chatted with me about something like this but more along the lines of boys. Thanks mom, cuz I couldn't see everything you're pointing out to me; thanks for making me see it again and making me feel bad. Anyways, kind of off topic.

This feeling is like an emptyness inside me; it's really the only way to express it and I'm sure almost anyone knows how that feels. It's never there when I'm preoccupied with something in my day, like work. Or on my days off when the past few weeks I was actually being social and seeing friends. But not this weekend. I partly blame the weather-I could have gone to the beach with friends. But no, it ended up raining. Again.

Also to contribute to this feeling, a friend just broke up with his long term girlfriend and he is devastated. It's all over his facebook status'. I want to say an encouraging word but it feels like I would be intruding on something that should be private since obviously he is in pain. So I say nothing. Then I feel like I need to see him; I want to suggest we go bowling sometime. But this I feel would be inappropriate. Is it? I'm not sure. So I'm playing it safe.

Safe. I hate that word sometimes. That's my life. I take no risks. I always think ahead, think of the outcomes. Some would say that makes me smart. I say at times yes, but this word is what makes me dread my life at other times. What have I experienced? I have travelled, I've won awards, I've accomplished more that some would ever expect to. You'd think I should be happy with that. But I'm not. How can I be when there's so much more to this life? Now I'm talking about serious stuff. Mature things. You know what I'm talking about. I go on spurts about what I think about it. I'm okay with it, I'm not okay with it. But when someone really close to you brings it up, it's really not okay. I guess this could be the center of my emptyness. When it comes to this I guess you could say I've played it safe. Because really, I could have taken the initiative. However, I didn't. My life would be so different right now, even more so fulfilled, if I had "taken life by the horns". Does that sound safe?

So really, the cure for this "emptyness" would be to surround myself with people. You say, "well just go hangout with some friends!" And, "hey, you just did that a few days ago! You're getting pretty good at that, so what's wrong?". The problem is is that I'm over it. It's the same old same old. I need to get back to new and exciting. I need to discover more about my new friends and myself. And you know where it is that I can do that? Just up the highway, that's right; in the City of Champions. (not so much anymore but that's a matter for a different day, lol) I need to get back to Edmonton and be on my own again. I miss it so much. I never thought it would be this hard to be at home. I've always loved home, being around my family.. well.. tolerant of most of them but loved having my mom there. So not the case anymore. I can't stand them anymore. I need my space, I need my own rules. I need to be on my own. I'm 19 and I need my own place... just one year ago I never thought I would say that. I expected to maaybe move out by the end of my 4 years at uni, but now.. it's looking like it might be just after 2.. I just can't do it anymore..

Anyways, I was in a really bad place tonight. Maybe it would have helped if I had gotten to the part when Chuck and Sarah are finally a real loving couple in season 3... augh my life is so sad. I need my friends! (The ones from e-town if you didn't catch my drift..)

38 days; yes I have a countdown started on facebook...

It's coming!

Ah.. already half way through July, pretty much. SO glad. Emails are starting to come out regarding residence council so it's making me pretty excited. Time has gone by so incredibly fast and I'm so grateful for that. I think if I hadn't found a job, it would still be June right now.. speaking of which, I've been at Timmie's for a month now! I'm so much more comfortable there, I feel like if I was gong to be there for a long period of time and if I wanted to, I could be a supervisor... lol. Also assuming they would need one. Anyways, I'm still glad I only have about a month left to go, I'm tired of working! I'll most likely take a week or maybe half a week off before I leave for E-town; to relax, pack and actually hang out people. Who knows when I'll be back next!

Wow, so lately I've found I am very dyslexic when it comes to typing. I switch around letters and sometime even forget letter.. I think part of it might have to do with my keyboard though, because I'm NOT that bad a speller! Maybe I really do need to get back to school, lol.

So tomorrow (technically) is mah bday! Going out to Brewsters with the Cosmos to catch up, really excited, and then I've decided that I'll go down to Roadhouse since Jen is celebrating her bday down there and people from uni will be there. My liver is soooo gonna hate me I'm thinking, haha. Also a day off so I might head down to the Stampede ground to FINALLY catch a day of the Stampede. I was supposed to go with Jenny Monday (to see Stereos and Faber Drive), but it was a naaasty thunderstorm day with golf ball sized hail! Tuesday was still pretty miserable so we still didn't go. Those days are my days off so that was really my only chance, but then I remembered about Friday; I just need someone to go with now. I'm not looking to spend a lot of money so maybe Nikki will come..

Ooh, Monday I had dental surgery. Kinda gross stuff, it's called a gum graft. I have a receding gum-line so they needed to reinforce it. They did that my taking skin from my palate (all of you non linguistic students, it's the roof of my mouth, lol) and then putting it on my gums. It's feeling pretty fine now, except for it feels like I have food stuck between my lower lip and gums haha. First day though I could only eat mashed potatoes and apple sauce :( and so I was sad because I only get 2 actual meals for supper a week and that happened to be one of the days. In three weeks I get the stitches out.

Crap. It's almost 1am.. damn it. I'm still watching SYTYCD! Curse you entertaining TV!

Counting Down/Summer Update

60 days till I'm back in Edmonton-I am so stoked! It can't come fast enough! I've really had enough of being home. It sort of helps now that I have a full time job-at Tim Hortons, lol. Actually, I almost wish it was part time so I could somewhat have a life. My shift is Wednesdays to Sundays, 2 till 10, so I really can't do anything except for on my days off.. I don't think I'd really be doing anything anyways because the people I want to hang out with are also busy haha. At least my pay cheques make it all better! Such a stressful job though (at least for me). I put too much stress on myself to do things as perfectly as possible, but at least because of that all my coworkers and especially superiors realize I'm doing a good job and they are very impressed so I keep getting to learn new things that only a few know how to do. Like preparing "backup", stuff for sandwiches and stuff like that, and decorating the Cold Stone ice cream cakes! That part was pretty exciting!

Oh my goodness, so Lyndsey and I went bowling yesterday for the first time since Nationals... man I sucked! It didn't help that 2 of my thumb holes were too big because my thumb swelled in St catharines, but by our last game I was sort of back. 211, not bad but I think I was doing it soo wrong haha. It just sucks because after nationals i felt like I improved so much and that I could do so well and I just wanted to bowl sooo bad! I didn't though so now I feel like I'm off worse than ever. We are planning on going every other week for the rest of the summer so that we aren't rusty for league in September, so I'm glad for that. It was still a fun time though and it felt good to shake off some rust :)

Cosmos is having a get together! I got tired of waiting for Jess to organize it so I went ahead and did it myself :s lol. We're just going to go out to a bar but I feel bad because one of the girls isn't 18 yet.. but it's kinda late to switch dates and what we're doing.. hopefully we can do something else another time. But I'm really excited to see these girls again, it's been almost an entire year, and they were a humongous part of my life the last 2 years. It was the best soccer team ever, and everyone knew it-as in people not involved with our team. Girls wanted on our team instead of the Tier 1 team (we were tier 2). I was so lucky to get on this team, I'm so glad I made that decision to move up and that this team's original coach was also my sisters coach and that's how he knew me and convinced the people making the selections to put me on the team. I'm so grateful, even though he's kind of lost his mind now and no one likes him, especially since he abandoned our club. Man I so wish I was playing soccer this summer, next summer though! Money, again, was the issue haha.

Arg, work in just over an hour.. I don't know how I make it through the day..

Nothin doing

I got my first interview lined up today for a summer job! I'd don't think I'm going to go though, it's possible that I'm going to have to pay to have training or whatnot and that's just not going to happen. Yes I should go to see just in case, but the more I think about it, I don't want this job-even though it would probably pay really good. It's with AIL Canada, they sell insurance, I think my position would be to inform on the insurance.. they said my resume looks good for the position... how? I've done nothing, I have no experience with this. Which is what everyone else on the web is saying the company told them, so.. I think I'd prefer working for a legit company I know than for them.. I'm gonna call in the morning and say I'm no longer interested. And hey, at least someone finally called me for a job!

Urgh, I have a cold now, not feeling too hot. My ears/head are stuffed up and I have a runny nose. I woke up at 4am boiling! Hopefully it goes away before Friday-the start of Team Trials.

27 degrees today and I was only able to tan for like an hour. After that, clouds started to roll in-rain clouds. I don't think it's rained here yet, but the sun was hidden and I was not pleased. But then I watched movies that I recorded last night on EAHD, no commercials! Three to Tango is sooo funny, gotta love Matthew Perry (somehow I forgot his first name and called him Corey haha-oh! That's a hockey player, wow, lol)

So no NHL today, but the Hitmen are on sportsnet! Looking for their second win in the Memorial Cup, facing Windsor tonight. Should be a good game; up against Taylor Hall-possible #1 pick for the Oilers in June.

Can Thursday get here already so I can go have fun and not be bored all day? Please?

bowlingbowlingbowlingbowling

I've got bowling on my mind. Just had Team Alberta practice in Edmonton today for the National Youth Championship taking place in St Catharines, Ontario the 27th-30st. I'm so friggen excited now after meeting and bowling with the other team members. I think I may end up treating the Canadian National Championship the week before as a practice for the youth one. It's gonna be tough, I've never been to these sort of things before, well never been in a position that I could actually do well. I had a tourney in Detroit 2 years ago but I made it by complete fluke, really, and I didn't do too well. This time around, I know I'm completely capable of averaging anywhere from 180-200, which, if I ave. around 200, gives me a very good chance to win! Hopefully the pressure won't be too much for me to handle; I'm gonna go out and try to buy a stress ball tomorrow; I think I left my other one in storage in Edmonton..

Gah, 5 days hurry up!!

I ♥ bowling

Playoffss

So not too pleased with tonight's results in the NHL. I am/was cheering for Pittsburgh since so many Canadians are on that team. But this whole series against Montreal has been horrible. Before it began I thought it'd be a cinch for the Pens; I have been proven wrong. The big stars for the Pens did not get it done. Crosby looked like a lazy bum, not wanting to get to the puck first, not moving his legs. Granted, the habs did a good job shutting him down, so props to them. I wanted a repeat so bad though!! Gah. Well I'll cheer for Montreal now, since they are the only Canadian team left, but they are so not going to win. I think they could make the final but I don't think there's a chance of them beating San Jose or Chicago. Watch, they'll do it just because I said they can't, just like with this series.. that wouldn't make me mad though, it'd be nice to see the cup come back to Canada. But enough of all the "oh, we weren't supposed to be here so we're just enjoying it, blah, blah, blah". Obviously you should be there if you beat WASHINGTON AND PITTSBURGH.

Maybe Yzerman will call up Crosby to get him to come to Germany; Canada is down 2 guys and they just lost to Switzerland. SWITZERLAND! FOR THE 1ST TIME EVER! What is that? Oh they'll come back for sure though, they prob needed that diversity lol. Anyways; good luck to both Canadian teams now. I'm going to go play NHL 10 now and win me a cup to make me feel better haha.

How am I going to last the summer the next 3 and a half months at home? I can't stand living with my family anymore. What's worse my sister has.. issues.. and I think it's starting again and it freaks me out. I don't know what to do about it. Parents are out of town so I'm not going to tell them now, almost for sure when they get back. I have to. This is getting ridiculous. I also REALLY need to get out of the house aka get a job. I'm always feeling tired, crappy. I'm just gonna have to suck it up and go apply somewhere like Tim Hortons or something.

UGH. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!

It's Already Over?

Question.. where did the year go? Answer.. I wish I knew. I remember thinking last August that I wanted it to be over quick, that I'm going to hate living away from home. Now I find myself wanting it to last for ever, not wanting to go home. Unfortunately, that is exactly where I am. I have no desire to be here, I want to be living in res with my friends having a good time. Not to say I won't have a good time here with my high school friends, but.. Change is difficult, I don't like it.

Now it's time for real life. AKA get a job. Ugh. I know I need to get on it, but I really just want to relax now that I'm back. But I bet you anything, tomorrow afternoon I'll be sitting around doing nothing and my mom will be pestering me asking if I've started looking again. Kay, so I am just lazy, I know that looking really doesn't take much but.. still.. I'm sure other students out there know what I'm talking about..

Anyways, hopefully a bunch of us will be able to get together at least once this summer. We all live close enough to the city anyways.. a few them might just need a full day to get here is all haha.

I'm going to take the initiative this summer and get lots done, but right now I just need to recharge and hopefully my laziness doesn't take over and hopefully my mom can understand that for now..

It kind of is good to be back though, for now.. oh comfy bed.. :)

Ridiculousness

Finally stats homework is over, what a pain that was becoming. Seriously, the biggest question on it was from a lab that we spent 5 minutes on. Okay, maybe I didn't pay attention, but there were no notes for this, the homework is usually done off of class notes! Good riddance forever! Not going to miss you!!

Linguistics 305=major ridiculousness. 'Nuff said. This teacher is kinda crazy, only bases stuf off of her opinions, how are we supposed to know what you're looking for if you don't tell us?! GAH! This whole semester has been insane, it's supposed to be a GPA booster, but instead it's dragging it down and I find myself with french being the booster. Never would have thought that would happen! (Kind of ironic though since I'm going to a french University haha)

Man I can't wait till this semester is done! 8 more days!! Holy moly!!

So Busy, But Also Just Lazy

With the excitement this brought, you'd really think the first thing I would do is to broadcast the news everywhere possible and not really worry about bragging, but somehow my laziness caught up with me, something I am not proud of. So now, as I lie almost wide awake now, after being utterly exhausted just an hour ago, I decide it's perfect timing to finally blog again.

A week ago Sunday, I won my second provincial title ever in bowling!! I beat out the Female Youth Canadian Bowler of the Year by 77 pins, she didn't even place 3rd, and I beat the next favorite by 9 pins! It was basically down to my last frame and all I had to do was spare then keep the ball on the lane. I had no clue though. I was determined to not watch the scoreboards, so I had no idea where I was placed. I had some really huge games (231 & 213) but also a pretty crappy one (134-ha!) so I was thinking maybe I was sitting at fourth.

I ended my game, the last to finish out of everyone. Then people started coming over to me, shaking my hand; the girl who took 3rd gave me a hug, then my coach came over and said something about getting my medal then signing papers. That's when I really realized I had won! And the funny thing is, my mom was supposed to have come up from Calgary to watch this tournament. My sister had soccer provincials in Red Deer though, playing for bronze that morning, so my mom was going to come up after that. We were getting through our games really fast though (10 games) so she and I decided it wasn't worth it, she wouldn't get there in time. (Plus at the time I wasn't bowling too hot) So when she called me, I surprised her just like the last time, but I was just non-chalant about it. "So, how'd you do?" "Oh.. I won.." haha. It was an awesome reaction.

Nationals are now in Ontario in May; the weekend after Vancouver. I'm going to get home from Vancouver, spend two days there, then I'm off to Ontario. It's going to be awesome. And actually another kicker about this is, that I'm going to Nationals with people I used to bowl with in Calgary!! So it's going to be pretty sweet.

So this, and just loving life in rez.. I never could have imagine such an awesome year!

Day of the month?

This could very well be the best day of the month. I don't want to go as far and say best of the year because, well, it hasn't been. And I very much hope that it won't be the best till the end of the year! This is one, pretty amazing day though.

The day started ordinarily enough, alarm going off, me not wanting to get out of bed, finally rolling out of bed and rushing out the door to catch the bus to the bowling alley (that's right, I bowl!). The only difference is, it's a Sunday and this is a tournament unlike most tournaments. I'm in this tournament for fun, for the practice for my upcoming provincial tourney next weekend. The day involves 3 games for teams, 3 for doubles and 3 for singles. There are winners for overall scores, either scratch or handicap. (For those of you out there who have no idea what I'm talking about, scratch would be the "face" value of your games, your total will be compared to everyone else's. Handicap means comparing your game to average and then giving you a new score for that game and then comparing it to everyone else's.)

The day is going by well enough, I'm above average (177) so I'm fairly happy. But I'm getting really tired and losing consistency. Then my coach comes over and tells me that I'm sitting in second scratch and that I'll probably stay there (there aren't many game left). Then he goes on to say that these top two get to go to Vancouver for Team Canada Trials!!

Bam! This hits me just all of a sudden, no pressure to keep bowling well, right? Man! I was just trying to convince myself that he was mixed up with a different tournament, but no, just before the last 3 games, they announce exactly what he says.

I manage to keep my energy up and I finish strong. So......

I'M GOING TO VANCOUVER TO TRY OUT FOR TEAM CANADA!!!

How exciting! I've only ever left Alberta for bowling once; two years ago when I made it to a tournament in Detroit. Going home, I couldn't help but have a smile on my face, which I normally don't have... haha.

Man, I'm just so stoked, it's going to be awesome, no matter how I do. I'm so proud!

Oh by the way, another reason this day is awesome: Pi day! So I'm going to go get some pie and watch the tight race in the Western Conference to the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I'm cheering on my Flames tonight!