I've Got A Feeling..

..unfortunately. It is definitely not one to start rocking out to the Black Eyed Peas for. I had this feeling earlier this summer, probably around June when I was missing everyone and everything like crazy. I really could have avoided this had I done SOMETHING today, but alas, no I did not. I regretfully spent my entire day watching Chuck. So much so that I am kind of tired of it; and that's saying something. Then I go on to facebook and see how people are actually having lives and I start feeling sorry for myself. It definitely doesn't help that a few days ago-on my birthday no less-that my mom chatted with me about something like this but more along the lines of boys. Thanks mom, cuz I couldn't see everything you're pointing out to me; thanks for making me see it again and making me feel bad. Anyways, kind of off topic.

This feeling is like an emptyness inside me; it's really the only way to express it and I'm sure almost anyone knows how that feels. It's never there when I'm preoccupied with something in my day, like work. Or on my days off when the past few weeks I was actually being social and seeing friends. But not this weekend. I partly blame the weather-I could have gone to the beach with friends. But no, it ended up raining. Again.

Also to contribute to this feeling, a friend just broke up with his long term girlfriend and he is devastated. It's all over his facebook status'. I want to say an encouraging word but it feels like I would be intruding on something that should be private since obviously he is in pain. So I say nothing. Then I feel like I need to see him; I want to suggest we go bowling sometime. But this I feel would be inappropriate. Is it? I'm not sure. So I'm playing it safe.

Safe. I hate that word sometimes. That's my life. I take no risks. I always think ahead, think of the outcomes. Some would say that makes me smart. I say at times yes, but this word is what makes me dread my life at other times. What have I experienced? I have travelled, I've won awards, I've accomplished more that some would ever expect to. You'd think I should be happy with that. But I'm not. How can I be when there's so much more to this life? Now I'm talking about serious stuff. Mature things. You know what I'm talking about. I go on spurts about what I think about it. I'm okay with it, I'm not okay with it. But when someone really close to you brings it up, it's really not okay. I guess this could be the center of my emptyness. When it comes to this I guess you could say I've played it safe. Because really, I could have taken the initiative. However, I didn't. My life would be so different right now, even more so fulfilled, if I had "taken life by the horns". Does that sound safe?

So really, the cure for this "emptyness" would be to surround myself with people. You say, "well just go hangout with some friends!" And, "hey, you just did that a few days ago! You're getting pretty good at that, so what's wrong?". The problem is is that I'm over it. It's the same old same old. I need to get back to new and exciting. I need to discover more about my new friends and myself. And you know where it is that I can do that? Just up the highway, that's right; in the City of Champions. (not so much anymore but that's a matter for a different day, lol) I need to get back to Edmonton and be on my own again. I miss it so much. I never thought it would be this hard to be at home. I've always loved home, being around my family.. well.. tolerant of most of them but loved having my mom there. So not the case anymore. I can't stand them anymore. I need my space, I need my own rules. I need to be on my own. I'm 19 and I need my own place... just one year ago I never thought I would say that. I expected to maaybe move out by the end of my 4 years at uni, but now.. it's looking like it might be just after 2.. I just can't do it anymore..

Anyways, I was in a really bad place tonight. Maybe it would have helped if I had gotten to the part when Chuck and Sarah are finally a real loving couple in season 3... augh my life is so sad. I need my friends! (The ones from e-town if you didn't catch my drift..)

38 days; yes I have a countdown started on facebook...