I'm competitive. We ALL know that. I've always thought that that's a good thing. It makes me work harder for things that I want. It means I deserve the things I get (and most times the things I don't get). Now apply this to sport. Soccer specifically. I have that drive, that urge to win. I can push myself that extra mile so that I stagger off the field, but knowing that I gave it my all.
I've always thought that was a good thing. Everyone loved me for that. Maybe that's why still to this day, even when it's maybe not appropriate or I go a little over the top, that I keep doing it. But if anything, it may have gotten worse.
I'm at the point where I'm not too sure it's a good thing anymore. Physically. Mentally. Not sure which one is worse, or which one I'm more afraid of.
The physical is probably the more threatening. What happens if I break my leg again? I lose everything. Fitness. Bowling. Soccer - obviously. The ability to sleep in (this seems silly but it could make a huge difference). A physical disability is a major concern. And I realized tonight that I'm on the edge. I basically flung myself into the boards (trying to keep the ball in play), ribs, knee and hip - hard. I was fine, just shook off the pang in my knee and kept fighting for the ball. I did it again (not as bad) right at the end of the game, mad that we/I couldn't get the winning goal. That's what I do. But what if it had been my leg straight into it? Or my head/neck? I've become a bit reckless.
And then the mental. I just assume that my level is level that everyone should be aiming for. Egotistical much? Or am I right? Obviously I'm not right to the extent it's gotten to. Some people just can't do it, plus we're talking div 3. I also don't want to be asking players to endanger themselves. I've got the action to my thoughts only somewhat under control, which I guess is kind of the problem here. I expect more effort from my teammates and I sort of let them know that, but I don't say aloud what my brain really thinks - fucking play hard or get off the field. But I also show a lot of exasperation with my body language. In our REC futsal league I was getting pissed and Amber could see it. IT'S REC. But I want to WIN.
Is the solution playing a level higher? Maybe. At least there I could play with more skilled players that know what to do. But that's not so much of an issue, it's the level of commitment and work ethic that I see going on on field. It gets to me when someone doesn't want to give it their best. What are you doing here then? It's competitive. Show some fight. Use your head a bit more - I know you're capable of it. And don't shell out $180 to just show up for 3 games and leave us high and dry with only one or two subs for each line. You made a commitment, now stick to it.
Or maybe this all really doesn't mean that much, and I'm just tired and frustrated. All of a sudden it's a Thursday night where I had to get up at 6:30 and spend 9hrs on campus, and in the past 7 days I've had next to no down time; working about 26 hours (where one day I was up 18 hours straight) and have been pretty physically active 3 out of the 4 school days so far this week. We haven't won an indoor soccer game in I don't know how long, and we have gotten default wins in futsal 2 out of 3 times already. I must be stressing too, because I kind of find myself behind on notes now, and an exam in 7 days time. I don't like to make excuses but I have to face it, it has been a pretty busy week. And it doesn't end. The next three days I work 16 hours.
I just need to get to bed, hit reboot, and maybe hopefully feel better off in the morning..
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