Excitement.. with a month to go

Still 32 days left to go. Still excited though. I think I just need to spend money and do stuff. I want to have a life again. I can't really do that while I'm working but I do enough on my "weekends". I could still do more, I wish I could. But there's really no one to do stuff with and I'm saving my money to do fun stuff in Edmonton. Which should happen. Having the car for the first week will be really nice too; we'll all go out shopping together and do fun stuff..haha that sounds lame. But it will be so much fun. Especially for the first few weeks!

I need a change so bad. So I'm glad that Gabi is having a few of us out to her cabin/place in Canmore for the weekend. I just need to relax and have a change of pace. Hopefully that will recharge me for the rest of my time in Calgary.

I saw Amber today and we chatted about all that; it's nice to actually have someone to share this to and who understands and can reciprocate it. Not just nod along and pretend. I'll be glad to see everyone again. It'll be such a relief.

I'm so tired in every way.

32 days

I've Got A Feeling..

..unfortunately. It is definitely not one to start rocking out to the Black Eyed Peas for. I had this feeling earlier this summer, probably around June when I was missing everyone and everything like crazy. I really could have avoided this had I done SOMETHING today, but alas, no I did not. I regretfully spent my entire day watching Chuck. So much so that I am kind of tired of it; and that's saying something. Then I go on to facebook and see how people are actually having lives and I start feeling sorry for myself. It definitely doesn't help that a few days ago-on my birthday no less-that my mom chatted with me about something like this but more along the lines of boys. Thanks mom, cuz I couldn't see everything you're pointing out to me; thanks for making me see it again and making me feel bad. Anyways, kind of off topic.

This feeling is like an emptyness inside me; it's really the only way to express it and I'm sure almost anyone knows how that feels. It's never there when I'm preoccupied with something in my day, like work. Or on my days off when the past few weeks I was actually being social and seeing friends. But not this weekend. I partly blame the weather-I could have gone to the beach with friends. But no, it ended up raining. Again.

Also to contribute to this feeling, a friend just broke up with his long term girlfriend and he is devastated. It's all over his facebook status'. I want to say an encouraging word but it feels like I would be intruding on something that should be private since obviously he is in pain. So I say nothing. Then I feel like I need to see him; I want to suggest we go bowling sometime. But this I feel would be inappropriate. Is it? I'm not sure. So I'm playing it safe.

Safe. I hate that word sometimes. That's my life. I take no risks. I always think ahead, think of the outcomes. Some would say that makes me smart. I say at times yes, but this word is what makes me dread my life at other times. What have I experienced? I have travelled, I've won awards, I've accomplished more that some would ever expect to. You'd think I should be happy with that. But I'm not. How can I be when there's so much more to this life? Now I'm talking about serious stuff. Mature things. You know what I'm talking about. I go on spurts about what I think about it. I'm okay with it, I'm not okay with it. But when someone really close to you brings it up, it's really not okay. I guess this could be the center of my emptyness. When it comes to this I guess you could say I've played it safe. Because really, I could have taken the initiative. However, I didn't. My life would be so different right now, even more so fulfilled, if I had "taken life by the horns". Does that sound safe?

So really, the cure for this "emptyness" would be to surround myself with people. You say, "well just go hangout with some friends!" And, "hey, you just did that a few days ago! You're getting pretty good at that, so what's wrong?". The problem is is that I'm over it. It's the same old same old. I need to get back to new and exciting. I need to discover more about my new friends and myself. And you know where it is that I can do that? Just up the highway, that's right; in the City of Champions. (not so much anymore but that's a matter for a different day, lol) I need to get back to Edmonton and be on my own again. I miss it so much. I never thought it would be this hard to be at home. I've always loved home, being around my family.. well.. tolerant of most of them but loved having my mom there. So not the case anymore. I can't stand them anymore. I need my space, I need my own rules. I need to be on my own. I'm 19 and I need my own place... just one year ago I never thought I would say that. I expected to maaybe move out by the end of my 4 years at uni, but now.. it's looking like it might be just after 2.. I just can't do it anymore..

Anyways, I was in a really bad place tonight. Maybe it would have helped if I had gotten to the part when Chuck and Sarah are finally a real loving couple in season 3... augh my life is so sad. I need my friends! (The ones from e-town if you didn't catch my drift..)

38 days; yes I have a countdown started on facebook...

It's coming!

Ah.. already half way through July, pretty much. SO glad. Emails are starting to come out regarding residence council so it's making me pretty excited. Time has gone by so incredibly fast and I'm so grateful for that. I think if I hadn't found a job, it would still be June right now.. speaking of which, I've been at Timmie's for a month now! I'm so much more comfortable there, I feel like if I was gong to be there for a long period of time and if I wanted to, I could be a supervisor... lol. Also assuming they would need one. Anyways, I'm still glad I only have about a month left to go, I'm tired of working! I'll most likely take a week or maybe half a week off before I leave for E-town; to relax, pack and actually hang out people. Who knows when I'll be back next!

Wow, so lately I've found I am very dyslexic when it comes to typing. I switch around letters and sometime even forget letter.. I think part of it might have to do with my keyboard though, because I'm NOT that bad a speller! Maybe I really do need to get back to school, lol.

So tomorrow (technically) is mah bday! Going out to Brewsters with the Cosmos to catch up, really excited, and then I've decided that I'll go down to Roadhouse since Jen is celebrating her bday down there and people from uni will be there. My liver is soooo gonna hate me I'm thinking, haha. Also a day off so I might head down to the Stampede ground to FINALLY catch a day of the Stampede. I was supposed to go with Jenny Monday (to see Stereos and Faber Drive), but it was a naaasty thunderstorm day with golf ball sized hail! Tuesday was still pretty miserable so we still didn't go. Those days are my days off so that was really my only chance, but then I remembered about Friday; I just need someone to go with now. I'm not looking to spend a lot of money so maybe Nikki will come..

Ooh, Monday I had dental surgery. Kinda gross stuff, it's called a gum graft. I have a receding gum-line so they needed to reinforce it. They did that my taking skin from my palate (all of you non linguistic students, it's the roof of my mouth, lol) and then putting it on my gums. It's feeling pretty fine now, except for it feels like I have food stuck between my lower lip and gums haha. First day though I could only eat mashed potatoes and apple sauce :( and so I was sad because I only get 2 actual meals for supper a week and that happened to be one of the days. In three weeks I get the stitches out.

Crap. It's almost 1am.. damn it. I'm still watching SYTYCD! Curse you entertaining TV!